Zolpidem

I'm drowning

In the darkness

The nightmares are here to wake me up

Fuck

I'm lonely

And sad

And mad

And rad

I don't get it

How can you still hurt me

If I don't even love you?

I'm sorry, but fuck you

I remember how it was in the beginning 

When we both had some meaning

We were always dancing and singing

Didn't notice you were bleeding

I was a free bird

And you were a lovely poet

Than it changed

I broke my wings

And you ripped your soul

We were both drowning 

Scared to death we would die

You put me down

And started with those lies

(I love you, I won't hurt you, I forgive you, I will never do it again, you can trust me)

I know it's not your fault

You were afraid

But so was I

And you made me feel pain

Leaving me dry

It was one of those mistakes

You hit me

Again

And again

But you said you'd change

Than yo beat me

Till bruises would appear

Said you're sorry

And kissed my cheeks 

I hated you

But I didn't run away

So you locked me in the dark

To make sure I'd stay

You broke my broken wings

My broken ribs

My broken heart

And it was when I realized 

I had to run away

Before I felt too hard

You never stopped though

You chased me

And cursed my soul

Leave me alone 

I'm sorry, but I'm not that strong

Fuck you

And live your life on your own

Ride

Do you love me?

Did you ever do?

Only for that one night

We spent it just me and you

I don't know what to feel

They've been making me confused

I don't know where to go

I feel lost and abused

You don't have to save me

Just take me

Take me out of here

I never felt pain so near

I'll stay up late every night

Don't worry or ask if I'm alright

It's just the war on my mind

Don't ask me why

They follow me wherever I go

They never leave me alone

Though I still feel lonely

They bring pain, only

You don't have to save me

Just take me

Take me out of here

I never felt pain so near

Take me

Just ride

Take me out of here

I never felt pain so near

What happened to my poetry?

Maybe the darkness ate them

As they ate my soul

Or maybe it was suffocated 

By them and the unknown

What happened to freedom?

What happened to love?

What happened to hope

And all of the above?

But mostly

What happened to me

I don't drink as much as I used 

I don't cut anymore

Instead

I binge

And starve

Binge

And starve

I closed myself

For everyone else

Nobody will find me

Nor you

Nor anyone else

Fuck off

Falling down

Leave me alone

To my darkness

My sadness

My madness

I'm so sorry

But it's not my fault

I'm tired 

Of you putting me

In such a pedestal

Painful

I'm starved

And tired

And lost

Ugh, love

It comes with such a cost

It takes your soul

Your heart

And tear them into so many pieces

And in the end, you're all alone to die

The fault isn't mine

Or hers

Or his

But, dear, don't cry

What were you waiting for

When I said

That love comes with a cost

You whether learn from it

Or then you die

Remember me

   I can still remember how the sun was hitting his eyes and he had to put those stupid hollywood star's sunglasses on and hide his blue eyes.

   He never met my parents. He'd park in front of my house, but not in my driveway, and I'd get into his car and feel that sweet good perfume it had.

   "Again", he'd say, "I drove all the way down here. You gotta have something in mind for us to do", but I never did.

   Narcissist. Such a Narcissist.

   He knew about me being crazy, and he knew how I was a threat to myself. He also knew about my depression and anorexia, specially because we had lunch together. He used to sit by my side and see the new cuts on my wrists I always failed to hide. He always noticed my wrists and my fake eating.

   To be honest, I never thought he'd actually ever notice me. He was too proud and full of himself, and I was a self destructive bitch full of self hate.

   But he kept on asking me out, and we'd always do what I wanted to do. Even if they were the weirdest things.

   He took me to a cornfield because I wanted to see the fireflies, he took me to watch a movie like twilight because I read the book and loved it, he took me to a drive in were the bathrooms were so nasty. We had fun.

   He was probably a little embarrassed of being in love with me, since I was known as the depressed, get-drunk-go-cry girl. 

   That's probably why he was such an asshole sometimes. He didn't show up on my play I wanted him to watch, and he never went to my locker after class.

   But the weekends would come and he'd ask me out. Sometimes I felt depressed late at night and I texted him, asking him to pick me up. 

  He always picked me up! Always!

  We had sex so many times. He got my virginity and I got his. And when he went down... Oh, wow. He was the one who made me scream. He used to whisper dirty things and turn me on even more, if it was possible. We had sex in the back of the car, on the floor and under his bed. Good times. And awesome orgasms. 

  After sex, we'd both lay down and look up. He'd touch me gently to feel my cuts and scars and say "Please, don't hurt yourself ever again"

   " I can't promise you that", I'd always reply.

   It felt good when I was around him. He loved me, I can tell. He never really said that, but I could see through the way he looked at me at prom night, the way he used to moan close to my ear, the way his eyes were desperate to meet mine, and the way he smiled with those dark glasses every saturday evening.

   And I loved him too.

   We still talk sometimes, but we're not teenagers anymore.

   That was my love story. I just wish that stories didn't have an end.