Deal

Oh, Kyle
Just love me back

I love you so
why do you insist on it?
why do you always have to go?

Please stay
Don't go away
Don't let our feling fade
Don't slip trhough my hands
Don't ask me to go away

I love you so
I see you trying to say yes
so why do you say no?

I'm your Carmel
You're my boy
You're my man
I'm in your hands

We're full of desire
Just say "be mine"

And I'll be yours
Forever

Toppings, Icing and Frosting

I can't bake the cake.

And you're probably thinking this is ridiculous because you've seen me bake lots of cakes and you know I actually am a good cook.

But I can't bake the cake.

And I can't also get a job, choose my career, talk to my friends, eat right, go for a run, keep a healthy relationship or even cross the fucking street. You know what else I can't do?

I can't bake the cake.

I can't choose the flavor of the cake I should bake, I can't buy the eggs and butter, I can't set up the stove, I can't count the minutes.

I can't bake the cake.

How do I tell people I can't bake the cake? It's just a cake to bake. They'll probably just say "go on and bake the cake" like it is just tha easy because they don't know how hard it is.

Just bake the cake.

Maybe I'm not supposed to eat cakes anymore, maybe nobody should eat cakes ever again, maybe I should try and make a pie, but how could I make a pie if I can't even bake the cake?

Dammit.

I can't bake this cake

dazed

I wanted to hem my jeans with the kitchen scissors cause it seemed like a good idea. I clearly do not have the best ideas. I could start off with my pack of sleeping pills, or else, I could name you as another one of my bad ideas.That might be the problem with drugs, including love.
At the beginning they all give you exactly what you need. These sleeping pills gave me amazing hours of slpeed. You made life seem easire, brighter, happier. But tonight I can't sleep without my sleeping pills. And I can't see the colours of the day without you.

I went to the movie today. Reminded me of you/ I went to my favorite place downtonw to breath in and out, but all I could see was you. everywhere.
You've been gone and all I have done is missed you

Well, I still have som pills to put me to sleep. They'll mak me dream of you tonight,

Mistakes

I trusted you

When you said you and M had nothing

I trusted you

When you said you were only hanging out with friends

I trusted you

When you told me J was just a friend 

I trusted you

When you said I was the only one

I trusted you

When you said V never meant anything to you

I trusted you

When you went on parties and said everything was alright

I trusted you

When you said I was the one who was lying

I trusted you

When you said you loved me

I trusted you when you lied

And because I trusted you I can't trust anyone else 

Self talk

It's just when you're alone that you stop and feel all the shit you have never felt before. You know, in the surface of your brain, that he doesn't want to hurt you because he loves you but, God, Everybody wants to hurt you cause, GOD, Everybody wants to push you down cause, God, They want to break you for their own bennefit and it's so weird that it's the first time in forever that someone ACTUALLY DOES NOT mean to hurt you and it makes you wonder, God, Why doesn't he want to hurt me if everyone did before and, God, Why is he saying those things if he doesn't want to hurt me and, GOD, Can you please please make it go away Because there you were, abandoned by your mother and father and the assholes that you had as a boyfriends before. God They ended me and, God, They wanted to hurt me so I'd be too hurt to run away and, GOOD GOD Someone actually doesnt want to hurt me no matter what But then you get hurt all over again and you realize... No one will ever not hurt you like they said they wouldn't. The difference is that some people want you to be hurt and some people regret when they hurt you. And that's one of the many reasons why I love him Because he's my safe haven and he will never mean to hurt me.

Why

Why do you say you love me but keep on breaking me down Why do you say you need me but keep pushing around Why did you say you want me If you're always too far Cause when you say you love me Feels like it's falling apart.

Mommy Issues

I try to forget And forgive But all of that shit Is still haunting me I remember when I cried When I was in pain When they bruised me And yet I stayed I try to forget And forgive But she keeps on making The memory live

Sober nightmare

I just wanna scream my pain so a the world could hear it.

I'd scream names so everyone would know

What happened to me before

And all the things I could never let go

I wish they'd regret everything they did to me

I wish I'd remember everything I did to them

I can't deal with this pain anymore

Can't deal with this ever again

Why am I depressed?

Everything is in place 

Why have I collapsed?

I think I've lost my faith

Where's love

Where's hope

Where's sanity

Depression will choke me

Help

True

Nobody will save you

But

Yourself

Vent

No one ever told you how beautiful you are. Not even me, I think, when I should have. 

Well, you are beautiful and talented. You can do great things and you can be a great person. I was really hoping that you'd be happy, but it doesn't seem like that's what happened.

I hope I never see you again. But I also hope you get better and stop hating me until you understand things a little better. I hope you get better. I hope you get to be happy sometime soon. 

About now

Once upon a time

There was a fucked up girl

Who wanted to taste 

Everything in the world

From alcohol to meth

From being alive to being dead

From great memories to regrets

From the future to the past

She was a whore

She was a saint

She was mental

And she was sane

She had 3 boyfriends

The Poet

The Manwhore

And The One

(At least she thought so)

The Poet was crazy

He thought he loved her

He thought she was amazing

Until he ruined her

She got scared

And ran away

Until the next 

Stupid boyfriend came

The Manwhore was a trap

She thought she loved him

Until she realized

He was such a twat

He broke her

As bad as The Poet did

She ran away to become

The whore she used to be

And then The One came 

Just to mess with her mind

He was just so strange

She thought he was also some lie

Was he trouble?

Was he a mess?

Maybe he was

The best you can get 

He smelled like home

He tasted sweet

But most important

He made her scream

He's really nice

She loves him now

We truly hope

He won't break his vows

Never said

I know

The poet still writes a about me

I know

The manwhore still screams my name

I just know

What all the lost souls say

And I'm so sorry

Things ended this way  

You could be my drug addict and I could be your Jessica

I don't know what's with you 

that makes me feel so young and free.

I wanna be forever with you 

Getting high on hydroponic weed

I think it's your badass attitude 

Or maybe you unusual sweet soul indeed

It's just something about you

Not even you can see 

It's too early to say I love you

But we know I kinda do

And that's quiet ok

Cause I know you'd love me too

Said the clock

Tick tock 

Says the clock

Driving me nuts

Neck tied in a knot 

What are six months

What are three years

Anyways

Why'd you think you'd still be here?

Tick tock

Says the clock

Last time I checked

I was mad at God

He gave you for me

Just to take you away

He fills me up with home

And in the end it's just more pain

Tick tock

Says the clock

No problem's solved

Here we are lost

Gross

I smell like alcohol

Dirt

And cigarettes

I smell like dumbness

Puke

And all of my regrets 

R.I.P., Gabriel D.

Sitting on the moon

You must be fishing stars

Stars that shine like you

You shine as bright

Bright as the tears

Than here on earth we cry

Thinking of the time

We could've said goodbye

Drink the liquor of the angels

And their tasteful dark cigars

As here we pray

With all our heart

RIP, big brother!

And thank you for everything

God, you're a lie

First

You gave me love

And than brutally

Took it away from me

Second

You gave me hope

Gave a place to stay

A place to call home

You gave me friends

But took them back

Also took my sanity

Took my life breath

And then you gave me

A pretty thing to love

Just to make it fucking crazy

Make it hate me too much

And then you gave me lonliness

You made me bad

Until my heart stopped beating

You made it beat again

For someone who loved me back

You filled me up with hope

And on my knees I begged

"Please, Father

Please don't take him

Please make it last"

Not even a week later

I could hear Satan's laugh

You were by his side

Holding his hands

You gave me everything

Just to take them back

They clame You're pure love

But love doesn't make you rad

You're nothing but a lie 

God's dead

And so am I

Kill or run

This is not a Nicholss Sparks' book

Or a Steven Spielberg's movie

This is real life, bitch

Our scars can prove it

Nobody keeps promises

Specially when they say

"I'll never leave you, babe"

'Cause nobody can put up with us this way

So you stay alive

Or don't you hesitate

You can live with your demons

Or you can go away

Alcoholic

The bad thing

Of drinking vodka and rum

Is that I never really know

When I've had enough

I drink to oblivion

I drink way too much

'Till I see things duplicated

'Till I think "Oh, Fuck!"

3 AM Thoughts

Lonely

Again

At 3 AM

My bruises and cuts

Are driving me nuts

I want to call you

But it's too late

I'm sorry

I realky like you

And I know you like me too

I just don't want you to go away

Like they all do