I can still remember how the sun was hitting his eyes and he had to put those stupid hollywood star's sunglasses on and hide his blue eyes.
He never met my parents. He'd park in front of my house, but not in my driveway, and I'd get into his car and feel that sweet good perfume it had.
"Again", he'd say, "I drove all the way down here. You gotta have something in mind for us to do", but I never did.
Narcissist. Such a Narcissist.
He knew about me being crazy, and he knew how I was a threat to myself. He also knew about my depression and anorexia, specially because we had lunch together. He used to sit by my side and see the new cuts on my wrists I always failed to hide. He always noticed my wrists and my fake eating.
To be honest, I never thought he'd actually ever notice me. He was too proud and full of himself, and I was a self destructive bitch full of self hate.
But he kept on asking me out, and we'd always do what I wanted to do. Even if they were the weirdest things.
He took me to a cornfield because I wanted to see the fireflies, he took me to watch a movie like twilight because I read the book and loved it, he took me to a drive in were the bathrooms were so nasty. We had fun.
He was probably a little embarrassed of being in love with me, since I was known as the depressed, get-drunk-go-cry girl.
That's probably why he was such an asshole sometimes. He didn't show up on my play I wanted him to watch, and he never went to my locker after class.
But the weekends would come and he'd ask me out. Sometimes I felt depressed late at night and I texted him, asking him to pick me up.
He always picked me up! Always!
We had sex so many times. He got my virginity and I got his. And when he went down... Oh, wow. He was the one who made me scream. He used to whisper dirty things and turn me on even more, if it was possible. We had sex in the back of the car, on the floor and under his bed. Good times. And awesome orgasms.
After sex, we'd both lay down and look up. He'd touch me gently to feel my cuts and scars and say "Please, don't hurt yourself ever again"
" I can't promise you that", I'd always reply.
It felt good when I was around him. He loved me, I can tell. He never really said that, but I could see through the way he looked at me at prom night, the way he used to moan close to my ear, the way his eyes were desperate to meet mine, and the way he smiled with those dark glasses every saturday evening.
And I loved him too.
We still talk sometimes, but we're not teenagers anymore.
That was my love story. I just wish that stories didn't have an end.
1- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2- Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes toward others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others
3- Marked and persistent disturbance manifested by an unstable self-image or sense of self
4- Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive, e.g., substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, gambling, reckless driving, shoplifting, excessive spending, or overeating
5- Recurrent suicidal threats, gesture, or self-mutilatin behaviors
6- Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood with severe episodic shifts to depression, irratibility, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days
7- Chronic feeling of emptiness
8- Inappropriate anger, intense anger, or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent phisical fights
9- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or symptoms of severe dissociation
It was dark. Way too dark. And I was sweating. I couldn't breath. It felt like I was in hell. The only difference is that it was my particular hell. I was the only one in there, the only lost soul in this hell, and that thought gave me chills.
It was too dark. I was trying to walk, with my hands in front of me, just to make sure I wouldn't run into anything.
I couldn't find any light, couldn't find a way, couldn't find anybody to help me. It didn't matter if I screamed and screamed. I was all alone, drowning in the dark. I didn't know if the place I was in was big or small, if there was something in my way. I just felt all alone. And then I started to feel demons around me. They would pull my hair, scratch my skin, whisper bad things on my ears, and I could do nothing but stay in there. I couldn't reach them because I didn't know where they came from. All I knew is that I was alone in the dark, and I was very scared.
And that's how depression feels like for me.
Life is hell
Or is it just my mind It sounds louder than bells And it feels like you're stuck inside
Stuck inside this hell
The hell that is your mind built by depression
which is an aggression
In this dark world of mine
It was almost midnight and the moon was darker than usual. The Siren just got out of the river, turning her tail into beautiful long legs. Her hair curled to her waist.The Siren wore her satin dress and went to the village looking for a man to seduce, so she could drag him into the river and eat his flesh with her sisters.
Meanwhile, the Lion walked on all four paws, and while he walked, he turned into a very attractive man. His mane became a long hair, and eyes seemed to catch fire. He would seduce a woman and take her to his flock, where all the lions would eat her flesh.
It was a special night. Full moon night. Night of partying in the villages. A perfect night for hunting.
The Siren arrived at a village and quickly hung out with everyone. She listened to the music played by the troubadours, who soon improvised something to sing to the beautiful lady, while other women felt jealous of the beauty and grace of the newcomer. Little did they know that she was a mermaid, willing to steal one of those guys and drag him into the river.
The Siren started singing according to the music played. She sang with the most magnificent voice they ever heard. All men were almost drooling while they listened to the perfect, sweet, melodious voice of the strange girl.The Siren didn't have a target in mind yet. She as planning on choosing the less interested of all men and would seduce him.
The Lion went around the village and heard that supernatural voice. He needed to know who was the woman who sang so beautifully, and whether her flesh was as sweet as her voice. The Lion finally walked into the village. All women noticed the strange new man and started to whisper to each other, but the Lion was seeking the woman who sang with such grace, trying not to show much interest in her.
The Siren realized there was a young man who wouldn't give her as much attention as the others.
That's him, thought the creature. This is the flesh we need.
The Lion realized that the woman did not look at him as the others did, and he felt a certain mystery on her eyes.
That's her, he thought. She has the sweet blood that end our hunger and thirst.
The Siren stopped singing, and the music started playing as loud again. Men and women were excited and started dancing. Women trying to impress Lion, as the men tried to impress the Siren. But nobody was successful. Only those two could seduce one another with the greatest of ease.
And the Lion danced with the Siren, forgetting his purpose, forgetting his hunger and thirst. He could only focus on the delicate body of the girl he held while dancing. And the Siren was lost in his eye. His eyes seemed to burn inside her, making her forget about her hunger for the flesh.
And they danced. They danced for several hours without stopping. Until they decided to leave that place and get lost in the forest, where they made love all night.
Before dawn, the Siren returned to the river, and the Lion returned to his flock. They had failed their haunt, but their brothers and sisters could get what they needed.
The Siren fell in love with Lion and the Lion fell in love with Siren. But they could not be together because the Siren belonged to the water, and the Lion belonged to the fire. Still, nothing could stop them, nothing could stop the love they felt for each another.
It was like that until the end of times: The Lion and the Siren met every full moon in the midst of nature, hidden from their flocks, hidden from people, hidden from fire and water, hidden so they could love.
She sat down in the cold ground of the bathroom and held her head between her hands. She felt lost. The girl didn't know if she was trying to get rid of the thoughts that were haunting her, or if she wanted to keep sanity inside her head. Well, too bad. Sanity was long gone for her.
"Help" She whispered.
And he came. He sat by her side and asked what was going on. The girl started screaming.
"I am crazy" She cried "And you know that! I lost it!"
He took a long breath, then he said "Don't even say that. You are not crazy. You just need some help".
She screamed again, but he calmly held her in his arms. She laid her head on his chest and stopped screaming so now she could cry. He caressed her, touched the scars on her wrists, as if that would make her pain go away.
At least for the night, but it did.
( based on the song " Kill me", by The Pretty reckless)
I will open up this discussion with " I am not impressed with any motherfucking word you say
See, I just didn't cry when they came inside
And now I'll just burn my soul into Hades.
Shut the fuck up
cause I'm trying to think
I lost my concentration
Gimme one more drink
And then I try to remember all the advices that my friends just told me
But all the lost souls say
" Everyday I wake up. But everyday I wake up alone.
Kill me! Somebody kill me.
Or get me out of the sun "
Drugs, bars, backseats and scars.
LSD and Shots,
what a boring life I led so far.
Just a prime 15 when I rode this machine
Try to keep myself from dirt,
but my mind was never clean
So with a wink and a smile,
and a vial of death.
He took my hand and he pushed me towards the shadow of death. And then I try to remember all the advices that my boyfriend told me.
But my lost mind and soul say
" Everyday you wake up.
But everyday you wake up alone.
Just kill it.
Or get us out of the sun"
Deep. Deeper. Deeper inside.
Take the shot, long but fast, so that it covers your mind.
Can't find a God,
I can't even care that much
So what do they still bother?
So, let me just end as I was supposed to begin
Don't waste your time waiting
Cause I will never back in
If I could just remember all the advices that my Mother told me.
But all the.... But all the lost souls say
" Everyday we wake up. But everyday we all wake up alone